Thursday, May 22, 2008

100% Real Peggy

So, I am totally having a hard time with being real. I think that our world, and especially here in Utah, we have become a society of fakers. Like if people actually had real problems - it would break the bubble that we live in. I have been thinking about this a lot lately... Like I know that I am fake at times, because I do not feel that a lot of social enviroments are condusive to realness. I have been having a really hard time with this at church - which I think is common. But what happens? No one really wants to share that much information in that enviroment and we all end up playing the fake game.

How do we resolve this? Can we really be that brutally honest? Or maybe not brutally honest - but at least take off the mask and say how we feel, what we are struggling with, etc....?

I guess then that it starts with me.... I have been struggling recently with depression. Actually, I think that I have always struggled with it, but never admitted it. So, I am on an antidepressent and working really hard with a therapist. I just have a lot of baggage to deal with..... which I have seen such amazing progress so far.

My other issue is marriage. I am 30 years old. I just feel like the years are going by so quick. I appreciate being single, except for the longing for family in the back of my mind. I guess when my parents split up, I found solace in the fact that even though my family was dissolve, I could have one in the future. The pain was still there though - but at least I had that hope. I was told the other day that I need to face the fact that I will probably never marry in this life. (ouch!) It just hurts to think of not ever being able to achieve your dream....

I just want to invite you all to be you...... be vulnerable...... be real.


The Lord Family said...

You're right, maybe the realness needs to start with you. I have found that outside of Utah, you CAN be real. You can be yourself and totally accepted. Especially over here in Europe. I don't have to worry about how I look at church or how clean my house is or even my children. It's great. Of course, maybe I just need to let my self accept the fact that it's ok to have dirty kids and a messy house once in a while :). And just so you know, I am on an antidepressant too. I had post partum depression and now that I'm in Germany, I have to stay on it for 3 years or until I go back to the STates. I think everyone I know knows this. I call them my "happy pills" and I talk about it all the time.
One time, someone said, "wow, I can't believe you're so open about that".